Divorced Dad Story
Kids
Divorced Dad
Divorced dads have many stories. They range from quips about their buddies or detailed descriptions of their cars. Every divorced dad has his own unique story. A story about his life, his kids, his work, the Packers. Anything. A man’s story is HIS story. It’s like his castle. Let me tell you a story about a divorced dad I know whom we will call “Bob.”
Bob lived two floors below me in an apartment complex. The first place I lived after I separated/divorced my wife. I’d only see Bob occasionally; my job at the time kept me, a divorced dad, traveling continually.
One day Bob and I got into a conversation about our “divorced dads story.” His story was really focused on his ex-wives, his kids, and how he felt about child support.
Bob was a bit older, his earlier forties, and had three separate children from three separate mothers, in two different states. Each marriage had soured sooner or later, for many reasons, that become unimportant. It boiled down to the fact that neither he nor his spouses were happy and it was time to move on.
Bob’s a great guy, he was always busy and he was also barely home. I figured with all the work he seemed to be doing his weekends were filled with his kids. The only problem was that I NEVER saw his kids with him on the weekends and I was ALWAYS home on the weekends.
He rarely got to see them. His oldest was a young teenager and was a bit standoff-ish. The middle one saw him maybe once a month and his youngest was in California. He didn’t like not seeing his children, but without physical custody he felt impotent when it came to spending time with his kids. How did he deal with this?
The only way he knew. He felt that the State was punishing him by making him pay so much in child support. His answer was simple. Work less, make less, pay less. Bob worked three jobs; he worked as a maintenance guy at two apartment complexes (part time), bagged groceries (also part-time), and DJ’d on the weekends for cash-only. The house he owned was in his mom’s name and his car was owned by his girlfriend. By keeping his income low he paid less money to the state. Bob is actually a very intelligent man who went to school for architecture and business administration. I could see his logic but I couldn’t agree with it.
His divorced dad story is like many. He felt wronged, he didn’t have control of his life and he wanted to take it out on the State. Ultimately he took it out on his kids. Child support is paid to support your children and the more you make the more you may be eligible to pay. Trust me, I know. Don’t be afraid to reach for more because you’ll provide more for your kids and also provide more for yourself.
Written by Jason - http://www.DivorcedDadsOnline.comThanksgiving 2008
I’m spending this Thanksgiving without my daughter once more. I had her for spring break so I don’t have her for Thanksgiving. With her living 1100 miles away it’s a bit more difficult.
I’ll have her for Christmas, which is great. Haven’t seen her for 3 months and 25 days. It sucks, but what sucks worse is that after Christmas I won’t see her until Jun.
I miss her.
Written by Jason - http://www.DivorcedDadsOnline.comChristmas
It’s almost that time again! Stockings, gifts, hot chocolate and ginger bread man. Don’t forget that old crazy man who slides down the chimney!
What do you all have going on for Christmas? Drop it in the comments!
Written by Jason - http://www.DivorcedDadsOnline.comHow To Be A “New” Dad
So there are many challenges to be a dad and there are probably countless ways to fail. At the same time, there are countless ways to be ahead of the curve and take charge of your relationship with your children.
Many fathers are kept out of the loop on their kids’ lives. Some by their own choice by being uninterested in their kids or being inattentive until their wives begin to exclude them from many of the day-to-day activities that take place in the home. Separation from your children may not even be your choice, considering the amount of unwed mothers who don’t let their fathers see the children. This isn’t an easy place to be when you finally notice that you’re not really there for your kids as much as you want to be.
Even worse, what happens when you have a track record of being uninterested in your children and you go through a divorce? You’re suddenly thrust into a position where you have to be the full-time parent, at least every other weekend, holidays and part of the summer. The most important job of your life is now in the forefront and you don’t know what to do as a “new” dad.
What sort of things do I recommend for connecting with your children? Here’s a few things that I would do, and do in actuality, when I am with my daughter or when I meet other people’s children.
- Be an active listener - Listen to what is being said about needs, wants, and desires and then respond. Don’t start talking until you have heard what they have to say.
- Treat every day as an opportunity to grow with them. Open your mind to enjoying the things your kids do. Personally I love being able to indulge my inner child by playing with my daughter and her toys.
- Take your kids out to do something that they enjoy. This could be a simple trip to the mall or store or a day at the zoo. Doing things that they like to do helps you show them that you’re genuinely interested in what they want.
- Pick up a new movie to watch with them that’s appropriate for their age. If you’re following the “active listener” rule than you should be able to find something to watch.
- Don’t be afraid to say no. Children need you to be consistent in your parenting which requires you to say no from time to time. It may be difficult if you’re new to it, but the worst thing you can do is let your kids walk over you.
It’s daunting to be thrust into fatherhood if you’re unprepared for it. The only other piece of advice I can offer is to hook up with other dads that you know and admire and learn how they do what they do. Prepare yourself with the knowledge of others and learn from them, see them in action, and let your kids play with their kids. It’ll be a great experience for them to interact with other children.
Above all, love your children and make sure they know it. Be there for them, talk to them, listen to them and love them will all of your heart. Nothing less will do.
Why You Pay Child Support
Child support is often jibed by those who are paying it. Sure, it sucks to watch hundreds, if not over a thousand, dollars get deducted from your account each month. Even so there are a multitude of reasons that the non-custodial parent must pay child support and I think everyone agrees that both parents should contribute to their child.
Child support is based on that assumption, that each parent must contribute to the upbringing of their child. In almost every case, child support and visitation rights of the non-custodial parent are two separate issues that are determined and ruled by the court system. As two separate issues they are controlled and monitored individually and a primary custodian may not withhold the child(ren) from the non-custodial parent as a penalty for not staying current on payments. On the other side of the coin, a non-custodial parent may not even have visitation rights but still be required to pay child support to the custodial parent.
I’ve heard from many people, man or woman, about the ‘unfairness’ of having to pay such-and-such a sum to the custodial parent. In most of these complaints the non-custodial parent feels that they were wronged by the other parent and that the custodial parent is receiving unfair compensation.
My advice, forget about terms like ‘fair’ and ‘unfair’ when it comes to why you pay child support. Both parents are responsible to raise their child and provide for their welfare. I pay a significant sum monthly to my ex-wife and it’s part of what I feel I should do. Fairness, as adults, is a term we should forget about when it comes to ourselves and focus on what is fair for our children.
If you were still in that relationship, still in that marriage, would you not be paying half of the mortgage, car payment, grocery bill, and utilities? Sure, you would be, if you were a responsible and contributing member of the household and not a mooch. Why should that change if those things benefit your child(ren)? Your child(ren) need a ride to school, a roof over their head, food, and heating don’t they?
One thing I’ve seen a few guys do is work for as little money as possible to ensure they pay very little to their ex’s. Pathetic. Get a job, be a man, buck up and pay for the well-being of your children. If you make more money you may pay more in support but you also MAKE MORE MONEY so that you can provide for yourself and be a healthy parent for your kids.
In short, be an adult. Accept that fair and unfair are limiting words and put your children first. They are the ones who truly benefit from your support payments.
Written by Jason - http://www.DivorcedDadsOnline.comMy Summer 2008 Update
First off, I’ve been horrible at blogging the last few months. My summer was jam packed full of things, life changing things too, and I didn’t do much writing at all. Sorry for the radio silence, everyone. I’m glad that so many of you are still visiting and reading the older posts.
I’m working on a series of advice posts for divorced fathers. There are so many things that men should do to be fathers and, like any group of guys, we should stick together. Men are men, not women, and only a man can give another man advice on being a man.
My first piece of advice? Do something that you love this weekend. Go out and shoot a round of golf. Grab your ball and shoot some hoops with your buddies before the ducks head south. Just do SOMETHING. =)
Until next time…
Written by Jason - http://www.DivorcedDadsOnline.comThings I’ve Learned As A Parent
I was ruminating today about life and I realized that there are so many things I’ve learned as a parent. It’s so easy to focus on negative things so I wanted to share the positives. We, as humans, can be incredibly short-sighted.
- Kids grow up fast
- They do say the darndest things
- Small children speak only truth
- A bad day just needs a smile
- I miss having a baby around
- You really only need five hours of sleep
- Baby wipes can clean up anything
- Diaper rash ointment is great for a chapped nose too
- Laughter is only a smile away
Gift Ideas For Boys and Girls
Kids love gifts. Think back to the time when you were young and how much you enjoyed seeing gifts under the Christmas tree, or piled up on the table for your birthday. Gifts are a wonderful way to show your kids how much you love them and appreciate them.
What is a gift?
Gifts don’t need to be expensive or extravagant. The best gifts come from the heart and are something that you’ve put THOUGHT into for your children. It’s simple, if your little girl loves Barbie get her a Barbie-like item. At a younger age you can get away with an imitation but after they get old enough to read you can’t always fake it. If your little boy likes G.I. Joe, don’t go for the firetruck unless it’s all you can afford. They will love any gift you give them, but the ones that mean the most are the ones that have meaning.
A true gift is something given without expecting anything in return. As a parent your “return” may be the smile and happiness you see on your childs’ face. To me, that’s MY gift from my daughter.
What are some gift ideas?
There are plenty out there. Spend some time on the Disney Channel, Nick Jr or Cartoon Network and you’ll have gift ideas bleeding from your wallet. I listen for the ones that my daughter wants or from the shows she may want to watch. I pay particular attention to the way my daughter plays. She loves to have Tea Parties with her Polly Pockets so I know that those are two easy gifts I can get; a new tea party set or a new Polly Pocket.
You don’t have to wait until a holiday to give your child a gift. There are other special occasions that may warrant a gift, like the first (or last) day of school, their first day at a a new job, or maybe just because it’s a Tuesday.
Only you, as their parent, can walk the line between how many gifts are proper and what occasions. We don’t want to spoil our kids or just lavish presents on them instead of our time. But done properly, gift-giving can be another way to show your kids how much you love them.
Written by Jason - http://www.DivorcedDadsOnline.comBeen Busy Lately
So I haven’t been posting much later. Guess I’ll need to work on that, loyal readers. =)
Written by Jason - http://www.DivorcedDadsOnline.comSpring Break
My ex-wife and I were able to nail down a plan for Spring Break 2008 visitation. I’ll be picking my daughter up from the airport on Wednesday and she’ll hang out here with me for about ten days until I fly back home with her.
She’s only five and even so she’s legally allowed to fly alone, and very responsible-acting for her age, my ex-wife and I don’t think she’s quite ready for that. To top it off, it has to be a direct flight, which there aren’t between our airports.
So what will be doing? Oh, I’ve got some Candyland, Old Maid and Chutes and Ladders addictions I’ve been nursing since Christmas Break. I’m sure she wants to play her Barbie and The Twelve Dancing Princesses game too. I took most of the ten days off, and I’ll work from home for a couple.
Written by Jason - http://www.DivorcedDadsOnline.com