Divorce Effects on Children

Divorce is a traumatic experience, no doubt about it. The emotional roller coaster wreaks havoc on every aspect of life, relationships, physical and mental health and work. As tough as it may seem on an adult, it is even harder when children are involved.

Young children are emotionally unprepared for divorce. They have not yet built up the emotional openness, flexibility and understanding of the permanence of divorce. Young children have a tendency to be extremely vulnerable, crave the attention of the non-custodial parent and become angry. Children don’t tend to notice that their parents marriage may be in trouble and when they do start to think that they may be the cause.

These issues are only exacerbated as children grow older. Older children become displaced and split between parents. Teenagers have a tendency to become depressed and/or suicidal when their parents divorce. Teenagers also may be prone to violence as well as judging their parent’s actions.

Here are some tips to help minimize the impact of divorce on children.

• Be willing to listen – This doesn’t mean just hearing them, but truly listen and respond to them in an attentive manner. Most children who are older can tell if you’re not paying attention so give them the assurance you are.
• Tell your children why you are divorcing/divorced – Be as honest as you can with the whole family but avoid placing blame. Blaming the other parent will only cause the child to resent you since they love both of the parents.
• Be yourself – Be the dad. You can’t be both a mom and a dad so do yourself and your children a favor and just be you. Sure you’ll have to cope and do motherly tasks too, but you’re a dad first.
• Provide constant reassurance that the child is not at fault – ‘Nuff said.
• Don’t argue or fight in front of the child – Children are heavily influenced by this and it may cause resentment towards either parent, cause the child to label parents as good or bad and have long-term psychological effects.
• Be Consistent – Your ex-spouse and you need to be on the same page for what appropriate behavior is to help with adjustment. Parenting styles are sure to differ but you and your ex need to be on the same page when it comes to your children.
• Children aren’t weapons or spies – Don’t use your child as a weapon or as a spy against your ex. Nothing is lower and more debasing to yourself and your child as using he or she against your ex. If you suspect your ex is using your child in this way call them out on it. Refer to #5. Don’t put your child in the middle of your arguments, fights or disagreements. Period.
• Don’t criticize your spouse in front of your children – Indirectly you are criticizing and the child and he or she may resent you for this behavior.
• Keep your promises – Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep. Keeping promises helps build the trust your child has for you. If you break promises he or she will be less apt to believe you.
• When in doubt, seek professional help – There’s no shame in seeking assistance from a counselor or therapist when you need help. A counselor specializing in children can be beneficial to your relationship with your child and their coping with divorce.

Anyone else have any other tips?