Grief and Depression

Depression and anxiety are a common side-effect of divorce. The overwhelming emotions, pain and grief can lead into a long-term depression. It’s helpful to look at what the stages of grief are so that you can stay cognizant of what you are going through and what you can expect.

The stages of the Kubler-Ross model of grief:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Let’s look at each a little more in-depth.

Denial – This isn’t happening to me!

Denial is the first stage of grief. This is the part where we don’t want to believe or accept (as seen later) the circumstances or situation. Denial doesn’t have to be verbal. As humans we can internalize our thoughts, concerns and fears and delude, or deny to ourselves, the truth. If you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t believe this is happening” you’re still in denial.

Anger – WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON? YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!!

Anger is a secondary emotion to a stimulus of some sort. Anger is a self-defense mechanism that causes a myriad of physiological effects, some of which are not so good. Being angry isn’t necessary bad, it means you’re moving from one stage to another.

Personally, I plateaued in anger for several months. The anger wasn’t directed at anyone in particular and it took me a long time to figure out how to redirect and channel it.

Bargaining – If only I could…

People love to bargain and haggle. We like to be thrifty and show off our bargaining skills to our friends. Sadly, we also bargain when it comes to our relationships and our grief. Bargaining tends to be self-damaging. There’s a tendency to place blame on yourself and fall into depression. If you find that you are creating “If-then” scenarios in your head there’s a good chance you’re in the bargaining stage.

Depression - I don’t think I can handle this…

Depression is a natural response to grieving.  As tough as it may be, depression is a healthy response to a tragic event.  The key is time.  A long term bout of depression can alter your life and have very negative effects on your short and long-term health.  If you think you’re depressed and that you have been depressed for a long time, seek medical advice from a mental health professional, especially if you have entertained thoughts of suicide.

Acceptance – Time to move on…

The last stage of grief is acceptance.  At this stage you’ve begun to accept what has happened as a life-altering experience and that you want to move on from grieving.  Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re totally OK with what has happened, but you’ve accepted it (for lack of a better word) that things are as they will be.  To accept things you don’t have to like the situation or agree with it.

If you’re grieving over your marriage, understand that it is a natural and healthy response to your situation.  Seek friends and counseling to discuss how you are feeling and what you are going through.  A good support network is an important tool to have when going through something as traumatic as divorce.

Written by Jason - http://www.DivorcedDadsOnline.com