Many fathers are kept out of the loop on their kids’ lives.  Some by their own choice  by being uninterested in their kids or being inattentive until their wives begin to exclude them from many of the day-to-day activities that take place in the home.  Separation from your children may not even be your choice, considering the amount of unwed mothers who don’t let their fathers see the children.  This isn’t an easy place to be when you finally notice that you’re not really there for your kids as much as you want to be.

Even worse, what happens when you have a track record of being uninterested in your children and you go through a divorce?  You’re suddenly thrust into a position where you have to be the full-time parent, at least every other weekend, holidays and part of the summer.   The most important job of your life is now in the forefront and you don’t know what to do as a “new” dad.

What sort of things do I recommend for connecting with your children? Here’s a few things that I would do, and do in actuality, when I am with my daughter or when I meet other people’s children.

• Be an active listener – Listen to what is being said about needs, wants, and desires and then respond.   Don’t start talking until you have heard what they have to say.
• Treat every day as an opportunity to grow with them.  Open your mind to enjoying the things your kids do.  Personally I love being able to indulge my inner child by playing with my daughter and her toys.
• Take your kids out to do something that they enjoy.  This could be a simple trip to the mall or store or a day at the zoo.  Doing things that they like to do helps you show them that you’re genuinely interested in what they want.
• Pick up a new movie to watch with them that’s appropriate for their age.  If you’re following the “active listener” rule than you should be able to find something to watch.
• Don’t be afraid to say no.  Children need you to be consistent in your parenting which requires you to say no from time to time.  It may be difficult if you’re new to it, but the worst thing you can do is let your kids walk over you.

It’s daunting to be thrust into fatherhood if you’re unprepared for it.  The only other piece of advice I can offer is to hook up with other dads that you know and admire and learn how they do what they do.  Prepare yourself with the knowledge of others and learn from them, see them in action, and let your kids play with their kids.  It’ll be a great experience for them to interact with other children.

Above all, love your children and make sure they know it.  Be there for them, talk to them, listen to them and love them will all of your heart.  Nothing less will do.

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Child support is based on that assumption, that each parent must contribute to the upbringing of their child.  In almost every case, child support and visitation rights of the non-custodial parent are two separate issues that are determined and ruled by the court system.  As two separate issues they are controlled and monitored individually and a primary custodian may not withhold the child(ren) from the non-custodial parent as a penalty for not staying current on payments.  On the other side of the coin, a non-custodial parent may not even have visitation rights but still be required to pay child support to the custodial parent.

I’ve heard from many people, man or woman, about the ‘unfairness’ of having to pay such-and-such a sum to the custodial parent.  In most of these complaints the non-custodial parent feels that they were wronged by the other parent and that the custodial parent is receiving unfair compensation.

My advice, forget about terms like ‘fair’ and ‘unfair’ when it comes to why you pay child support.  Both parents are responsible to raise their child and provide for their welfare.  I pay a significant sum monthly to my ex-wife and it’s part of what I feel I should do.  Fairness, as adults, is a term we should forget about when it comes to ourselves and focus on what is fair for our children.

If you were still in that relationship, still in that marriage, would you not be paying half of the mortgage, car payment, grocery bill, and utilities?  Sure, you would be, if you were a responsible and contributing member of the household and not a mooch.  Why should that change if those things benefit your child(ren)?  Your child(ren) need a ride to school, a roof over their head, food, and heating don’t they?

One thing I’ve seen a few guys do is work for as little money as possible to ensure they pay very little to their  ex’s.  Pathetic.  Get a job, be a man, buck up and pay for the well-being of your children.  If you make more money you may pay more in support but you also MAKE MORE MONEY so that you can provide for yourself and be a healthy parent for your kids.

In short, be an adult.  Accept that fair and unfair are limiting words and put your children first.  They are the ones who truly benefit from your support payments.

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Kids love gifts. Think back to the time when you were young and how much you enjoyed seeing gifts under the Christmas tree, or piled up on the table for your birthday. Gifts are a wonderful way to show your kids how much you love them and appreciate them.

What is a gift?
Gifts don’t need to be expensive or extravagant. The best gifts come from the heart and are something that you’ve put THOUGHT into for your children. It’s simple, if your little girl loves Barbie get her a Barbie-like item. At a younger age you can get away with an imitation but after they get old enough to read you can’t always fake it. If your little boy likes G.I. Joe, don’t go for the firetruck unless it’s all you can afford. They will love any gift you give them, but the ones that mean the most are the ones that have meaning.

A true gift is something given without expecting anything in return. As a parent your “return” may be the smile and happiness you see on your childs’ face. To me, that’s MY gift from my daughter.

What are some gift ideas?
There are plenty out there. Spend some time on the Disney Channel, Nick Jr or Cartoon Network and you’ll have gift ideas bleeding from your wallet. I listen for the ones that my daughter wants or from the shows she may want to watch. I pay particular attention to the way my daughter plays. She loves to have Tea Parties with her Polly Pockets so I know that those are two easy gifts I can get; a new tea party set or a new Polly Pocket.

You don’t have to wait until a holiday to give your child a gift. There are other special occasions that may warrant a gift, like the first (or last) day of school, their first day at a a new job, or maybe just because it’s a Tuesday.

Only you, as their parent, can walk the line between how many gifts are proper and what occasions. We don’t want to spoil our kids or just lavish presents on them instead of our time. But done properly, gift-giving can be another way to show your kids how much you love them.

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My reply was simple, at least to me. But as I said it I realized it was much deeper than the simplicity of the words.

“I didn’t like that part of myself.”

What If You Don’t Like Yourself (or just part)?

When I said that I didn’t like that part of myself, I meant that I didn’t like certain actions, habits, behaviors, or lack thereof. We all have habits that we don’t like I didn’t like a “collection” of certain habits; more than just one. Either they brought me no happiness or they brought pain instead of pleasure.

What I DON’T mean is loathing yourself. That’s not what I’m writing about. Hatred or a feeling of seriously not liking your existance is rooted in some pretty serious issues and if that’s what you are feeling please call a professional. I can’t help you.

Let’s Break It Down

I Don’t

“I don’t” means to me that me, personally, didn’t like these habits. They aren’t something that an external source has pointed out. I, or you, make a cognitive determination of what habits you don’t like about yourself and make an affirmation to yourself about why you want to change them.

This can be a painful step. Why? It makes us search out the deep part of ourselves that we hide from the light of day, the monsters in our closet, the thoughts we don’t share with other people. You don’t have to LIKE the fact you have bad habits, you just have to accept that you are human and that they are yours.

Like

You either like or dislike something. This can be equated to how much pleasure or pain you get out of it. Do you like that you eat like crazy and put on weight or do you NOT like it. Dislike isn’t tangible, but a LACK of LIKE is.

I have a lack of like for procrastination, but I DO procrastinate? Why? Maybe I’m just lazy, maybe a fear of the unknown. I think you get the gist of what I’m saying. You like it, or you don’t. There’s not really a gray area here.

That Part

This is the crux, the crucible upon which you pour your determation, frustration and your fortitude. This is the habit, action or inaction that you want to change.

Let’s go back one second. Normally this habit is an EFFECT of a FEELING. We’re humans, we FEEL, it’s how we wander through life. Think about how you FEEL when you do something and you’ll realize you live through feelings. It’s important during the “I don’t” part to identify the CAUSE of your EFFECT.

Example, your habit is overeating. (This is an easy one so I am going with it.) You eat and eat and you hate that you do it but you can’t stop, can’t put the fork down, toss down another glass of Mt. Dew and dislike the fact that you can’t stop eating.

WHY are you eating so much? Maybe you’re stressed out or depressed. You have to attack the CAUSE to solve the EFFECT.

My allegory is treating the flu. The cough and the sinus congestion are an EFFECT of the flu. You don’t beat the flu without a good immune system and antibiotics.

Flu (Cause), cough (effect), habit (take medicine).

Of Myself

You, your essence, your persona. You don’t like things about YOU, or maybe you want to change a habit to be more like someone you admire. You are changing yourself. The key, to me, of long term change is having a concrete goal that YOU want to attain, not something that is set by other people. Actions and behaviors define you to the world, it is how everyone else see’s you.

By now you’re probably wondering what behaviors I wanted to change, which habits I wanted to break, what thoughts and self-limiting barriers I wanted to overcome.

We’ll save that for another day.

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It isn’t easy. In the old days it was the stigma that single mothers faced alone; men think I have baggage and I’m undesirable. Women, the tide has changed. You’re not alone. The premise is the same. We’re broken toys and no one wants to play with us anymore.

Now, you may think there’s some truth to this. Unfortunately that’s us taking our own stereotypes out on ourselves. These are self-defeating thoughts that are unfounded. Any woman worth your time and effort will accept the fact you have kids. If she doesn’t…well, find one that does. That is an uphill battle that is almost impossible to win.

Men desire respect, women desire love. This is an excellent ideal in the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs. This maxim is the crux of the book. Men desire respect and women desire love. When a man shows love a woman responds with respectful actions. When a woman shows respect to a man he responds with love. When this cycle breaks down therein lies many problems.

How does this apply? A woman who likes you but who doesn’t like your children, or that you have children, is not respecting you. Should you try to show love to someone who doesn’t respect you as a person? You can try to show her love but women are a fickle thing and, like men, stubborn to change their ways. If you feel she respects you and that you have children makes her like you even more the more likely you will respond with love.

I’ve heard my daughter referred to as baggage and luggage. You can guess where those relationships went. Not only is that disrespectful to me, it’s disrespectful to her. Women have ideals about children, when they want them, how many they want. To some, a man with a child really is pre-owned and not worth dating. Get used to it.

How to deal? Don’t let it bother you. There are plenty of women out there who DO like men who have kids. It shows you’re mature (normally), grounded, stable and an able provider. Not only that you hopefully, by now, have a good idea of how to treat women.

Keep your chins up. Sometimes it is rough, but the glory is in the struggle.

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The issues are compounded if you have sole custody of your child and is exponentially more difficult if you have more than one.  Now you have the welfare and well-being of “children” when you are out on the road.  Multiply your anxiety and add on some paranoia for good measure.

It Doesn’t Have to Be This Way

You have control of your life, not the travel.  If you have full or sole custody of your children your role as a parent will be stressful.  What can you do to help?

If you can afford it, hire a nanny when you are away.  A nanny who helps with the kids can be a huge benefit.  Not only can you be choosy about your nanny, but so do your kids.  Find a person who gets along great with your children, has the ability to be on time and multi-task and who puts your kids FIRST.

Involve your family.  If your parents of close siblings live close, maybe they can take your children in while you are away.  This is a good way to bring your family, all of it, closer together.

Involve the other parent.  This is really up to you.  If you have sole custody there are probably good reasons that you do.  Use this option sparingly, but remember that your children have a mother (or father) too.

I traveled extensively for a previous employer and it was hell. I love my child immensely and being taken away from work almost every week made me pile on the guilt.  Sooner, rather than later, I had enough and made the decision to break away from my work-hell and get a good job near my child.  Feelings of regret and remorse can haunt you and cause you to have increased feelings of self-doubt.  If you feel you are caught in this funk, I’d urge you to drastically think about your life and work balance and made adjustments where you see fit.

Travel can be fun, and it can be more enjoyable if you share it with your children.  Talk to them often while you are gone and try to keep them involved so that you all still feel close for the times that you are away.  Why not buy them a T-shirt? =)

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Get Legal Advice
If you are not yet required by court order to pay support I recommend talking to a lawyer.  Your legal counsel can help you determine what you need to be prepared for and what your rights are.  When in doubt, pay out.  (That’s my unofficial advice.)  The last thing you want to do is go through several months of divorce without determining child support and get stuck having to pay child support for all of those months.

Pay On Time
Most states provide a voucher for you to fill out and send in with your child support.  I get a letter every month that shows me how much is due and when.  The statement from the Nebraska Child Support Agency also includes the amount of my previous payments.  Keep track of when it’s due and pay it on time!  If you let it slip you may catch yourself falling behind.

Some status offer direct withdrawal from your checking account.  I opted for this method which ensure it’s always on time.  You can even setup more than one payment a month if you can’t afford to drop all of it at once.

Budget Your Money
Keep a budget and make sure you have enough to cover your  payments.  You also need to keep track of additional costs that you pay, to include medical insurance and daycare.  Some states automatically add daycare to your child support and some compute it separately.  Your child support agreement will specify which method you are bound to.

Keep Your Finances To Yourself
If you are like me, you want to ensure that your child is taken care of.  This means that sometimes you may want to give some extra for things like dance classes, school equipment and the like.  That’s great and I salute you for it, just don’t let yourself think that it counts as child support.  Every state will consider that a gift of money and not count it as support.  If you find that you are paying out gobs of money for things you may want to challenge your ex as to where your support is going.

Keep Cool
The biggest gripe of child support is that you don’t know where the money goes.  Just keep in mind you’re doing your part for caring for your child.  I would love to track the receipts of my ex but no one wants to be the receipt police.  If you think your child is suffering and you have some proof that there may be neglect it could be time to talk to your lawyer.

Child support is required to be paid and you don’t want to be a “deadbeat” dad.  (I really loathe that term.)   A few simple steps can help you stay in the black and provide timely support your kids need.

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The Solution
That’s what we are here to find out!

It’s something we all deal with once we have a family of our own. The balancing act between performing at work and performing at home.  Sometimes performing at home is just being PHYSICALLY at home.  There are a lot of parents that are caught up in their work Crackberries and Smart Phones that we accidentally drown out our lives at home with being “always available.”  I know that I’ve personally fallen into this trap with myself.

Coming home from a long day to a house full of kids can be stressful.  Hell, even one kid at home can definitely add to your stress-level.  For many of us, our natural tendency is to find something that takes our stress away, such as zoning in front of the idiot box for a few hours before our kids go to bed.  While this may reduce our stress, many parents, men and women, both feel guilty for neglecting their children.

To all of the moms and dads who don’t do this; I salute you!  I’m sure we all have off-days but most parents desire to spend quality time with their kids.  Here’s how I think we could start.

Engage Your Children
Engage your kids on their level.  If they are babies, do baby things with them.  Kids and babies love to interact.  Find the toys and activities they enjoy and play with them.

Make the Time
Put the Blackberry down, turn the ringer off and help your kids with their homework.  Show them that you are concerned.  Children learn more from what you SHOW them from what you TELL them.  If they see you fighting with your spouse (or ex-spouse) they will learn more from that then from you telling them that you love their mom.  Kids like to be entertained and involved.

The funny thing is, many younger kids don’t even have to be doing what THEY like.  They just want to play with YOU and be involved in what you are doing?  I learned years ago that my daughter just loves to help (she’s at that age ya know?) so it’s easier to give her something to do which gets her involved and it helps her stay focused.  One time I was putting together an entertainment center and she was driving me batty asking to help.  So I just showed her how she could hold a couple of pieces of wood together and help me out and she was all for it.

Disconnect From Work 
Work is for work.  Do you live to work or work to live?  There’s a big difference.  Unwind from work, it’ll help your heart.  Shut off the Blackberry and Smart Phone and let the aggravation of work go.  It’s easy to be caught up in work, we let it define ourselves instead of just being an extension.  You’re a parent, define yourself in the welfare of your children and focus on them.

Life is short.  It seems like yesterday my daughter was born and now she’s only six.  I’m afraid that if I blink my eyes she’ll be graduating college.  Enjoy the time you have with your children while they are children.  Being a parent is an exciting and demanding job that never ends once you begin.

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Dating after divorce is one of those touchy-feeling subjects that I’ve talked about with several other divorced men.  Some of these men have at least one children and some had no children.  Dating after divorce is a much different animal if you have children or not.  Let’s run down some of the major factors that are involved in dating after divorce.

• Children
  • Age of children
• Length Of Marriage
• Relationship with ex-spouse
• Marital status of your new friend
• Child support payments
• Alimony or spousal-support payments

Children have a big impact on dating.  Child custody and visitation agreements impact those weekend dates own unless you want to get a babysitter, unless you have children old enough stay home alone without supervision.  It’s a 50/50 split between men who get sitters and men who date on the weekends when they do not have their kids.  For two guys who have joint-physical custody (or primary physical custody) it really comes down to having a sitter and trying to keep a healthy balance of time with the kids and time out on the town.  My thoughts:  If you have your kids every other weekend, date on the off weekends and spend time with your children.

Length of your marriage helps dictate if “times have changed.”  Men (and women) who have divorced after long marriages are accustomed to the way things are with their ex-spouse and have a hard time adjusting to dating scene.   This isn’t the same for everyone and some people are really good at adapting.  In the end it’s all the same — meet someone and try to have a good time.  The hip and happening club and bar scene may not work for older men or women who just want to meet a companion.

If going out to the meat markets isn’t your thing try online dating.  Online dating lets you be mostly anonymous and allows you to fine-hone the people you’d try to like to meet.  Sure, it’s a little different if you’re used to going out and find yourself at a point where you don’t feel like trading drinks and dancing for phone numbers.  There are plenty of free dating sites out there to try.  Just remember to keep confidential information to yourself when writing up your biography or when talking to people on the Internet.

Your relationship with your ex-spouse has an impact after you have met and started “dating” someone.  Dating, in this sense, meaning that you’ve entered into a more emotional attachment and are seeing each other often.  If you’re told your new lady-friend you’re divorced, and she’s never been married, she’ll be bound to have numerous questions, one of which sounds something like ‘How often do you see or talk to your ex-wife?”

A simple answer may seem the way to go with this question, and that’s precisely what you need to do.  How often you talk to your ex-wife or see her has a direct impact on how a woman thinks about you, in more than one ways.  By answering in a short, concise way you leave it open for her to ask more.  If you volunteer gobs of information, your average, pack-hunting human female may interpret your chattiness as “he’s hung up on her.”

Explain it in simple ways without embellishment and avoid emotional dependency at all costs.  “I see her every other Friday when I pick up my son.  We don’t talk except for when she picks up the phone when I call him.” Or something similar.

For the never-married female, your previous marriage can haunt her dreams.  Women are extremely competitive with each other.  Your new lady-friend will most likely compare herself to your ex-wife, so plan for more questions.  If she’s been married before this may not be that weird for her as she knows what you’ve gone through.  The woman is a complex being, so either way, you could be up for the inquisition.  Just stay calm and keep it short.  Don’t embellish and DON’T lie.  It’s easier to get caught in a lie then for her to just accept the truth.

Child support and alimony…  This normally can be an issue once you’re more deeply committed in your new relationship.  Why?  Women want to be cared for, they want to be pampered and above all they want security.  Your finances are extremely important to her (unless she happens to be rich and then she will be even MORE aware of your financial payments).  We’re natural creatures and women will want to ensure their new mate can provide for them and their possible children.  If you live in your moms basement and have to take a scooter to work every day, your odds of a long term relationship with a high-quality woman are getting worse and worse.  If you can’t support yourself, how can you support her?

Dating after divorce is also a liberating and self-motivating experience.  You’re free to do what you want, when you want.  Within reason, of course.  It’s time to put yourself back into the world and meet new and exciting people and hear their stories.

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Divorce is a tricky situation. Not only is it an emotional roller coaster it can be financially painful as well. Through talking with other divorced men (and women) there are a few things that you need to do to take care of yourself.

• Consult a lawyer — You may think you can ‘work it out amicably’ but nine times out of ten that isn’t going to happen. Contact a legal expert to know your rights.
• Talk to your family (or friends) — Lean on a support network to help you through the transition. If you have been married for a longer period of time, 5+ years, you probably have relied on your soon-to-be ex for support and now you need to seek it elsewhere.
• Spend time with your children — This is a tumultuous time for the kids too. Do what you can to spend time with them when you can. If they live with you be the bigger person and let your ex spend time with them too. If you don’t she’ll probably seek a court decree to force visitation.
• Keep it in your pants — Your wallet. Don’t get spendy, you are going to need the money for legal fees and bills. You’ll also need it if you are ordered to pay child support prior to the divorce settlement. All that EXTRA cash burning a hole in your wallet should be saved until the tides of divorce have evened out and you need your financial situation.
• Keep it in your pants — Your jewels. If you choose to date (which I will save for a separate occasion) try to keep he or she away from your children. It’s not fair to them to bring a rebound into the relationship. If your kids are older this could create extra stress and heartache for them (and you). This could get back to your ex, and depending on the state, cost you in the courtroom.
• Exercise –Physical exercise has been shown to reduce stress and help you live longer. If divorce isn’t stressful, you’re doing something wrong or ignoring the signs of stress. Stay active and focus that energy onto the road, treadmill, weight stack or stair-master. The extra benefits of exercise will keep your mind sharp.
• Stay in Community — Call your friends and family and keep in communication with them. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to you. This job is not for your kids.
• Go to Church — Spend some serious time in prayer and reflection. Some time in worship, song and Scripture can help take your mind off of your problems as well as give you guidance and clarity.
• Pick up a Hobby — Maybe you like to draw, paint or just go fishing. When you are able go enjoy one of your hobbies.
• Take time for you!

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