Kids

Divorced Dad

Divorced dads have many stories. They range from quips about their buddies or detailed descriptions of their cars.  Every divorced dad has his own unique story.  A story about his life, his kids, his work, the Packers.  Anything.  A man’s story is HIS story.  It’s like his castle.  Let me tell you a story about a divorced dad I know whom we will call “Bob.”

Bob lived two floors below me in an apartment complex.  The first place I lived after I separated/divorced my wife.  I’d only see Bob occasionally; my job at the time kept me, a divorced dad, traveling continually.

One day Bob and I got into a conversation about our “divorced dads story.”  His story was really focused on his ex-wives, his kids, and how he felt about child support.

Bob was a bit older, his earlier forties, and had three separate children from three separate mothers, in two different states.  Each marriage had soured sooner or later, for many reasons, that become unimportant.  It boiled down to the fact that neither he nor his spouses were happy and it was time to move on.

Bob’s a great guy, he was always busy and he was also barely home.  I figured with all the work he seemed to be doing his weekends were filled with his kids.  The only problem was that I NEVER saw his kids with him on the weekends and I was ALWAYS home on the weekends.

He rarely got to see them.  His oldest was a young teenager and was a bit standoff-ish.  The middle one saw him maybe once a month and his youngest was in California.  He didn’t like not seeing his children, but without physical custody he felt impotent when it came to spending time with  his kids.  How did he deal with this?

The only way he knew.  He felt that the State was punishing him by making him pay so much in child support.  His answer was simple.  Work less, make less, pay less.   Bob worked three jobs; he worked as a maintenance guy at two apartment complexes (part time), bagged groceries (also part-time), and DJ’d on the weekends for cash-only.  The house he owned was in his mom’s name and his car was owned by his girlfriend.  By keeping his income low he paid less money to the state.  Bob is actually a very intelligent man who went to school for architecture and business administration.  I could see his logic but I couldn’t agree with it.

His divorced dad story is like many.  He felt wronged, he didn’t have control of his life and he wanted to take it out on the State.  Ultimately he took it out on his kids.  Child support is paid to support your children and the more you make the more you may be eligible to pay.  Trust me, I know.  Don’t be afraid to reach for more because you’ll provide more for your kids and also provide more for yourself.

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I’ll have her for Christmas, which is great.  Haven’t seen her for 3 months and 25 days.  It sucks, but what sucks worse is that after Christmas I won’t see her until Jun.

I miss her.

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What do you all have going on for Christmas?  Drop it in the comments!

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I’m working on a series of advice posts for divorced fathers. There are so many things that men should do to be fathers and, like any group of guys, we should stick together.  Men are men, not women, and only a man can give another man advice on being a man.

My first piece of advice?  Do something that you love this weekend.  Go out and shoot a round of golf.  Grab your ball and shoot some hoops with your buddies before the ducks head south.  Just do SOMETHING. =)

Until next time…

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• Kids grow up fast
• They do say the darndest things
• Small children speak only truth
• A bad day just needs a smile
• I miss having a baby around
• You really only need five hours of sleep
• Baby wipes can clean up anything
• Diaper rash ointment is great for a chapped nose too
• Laughter is only a smile away

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Kids love gifts. Think back to the time when you were young and how much you enjoyed seeing gifts under the Christmas tree, or piled up on the table for your birthday. Gifts are a wonderful way to show your kids how much you love them and appreciate them.

What is a gift?
Gifts don’t need to be expensive or extravagant. The best gifts come from the heart and are something that you’ve put THOUGHT into for your children. It’s simple, if your little girl loves Barbie get her a Barbie-like item. At a younger age you can get away with an imitation but after they get old enough to read you can’t always fake it. If your little boy likes G.I. Joe, don’t go for the firetruck unless it’s all you can afford. They will love any gift you give them, but the ones that mean the most are the ones that have meaning.

A true gift is something given without expecting anything in return. As a parent your “return” may be the smile and happiness you see on your childs’ face. To me, that’s MY gift from my daughter.

What are some gift ideas?
There are plenty out there. Spend some time on the Disney Channel, Nick Jr or Cartoon Network and you’ll have gift ideas bleeding from your wallet. I listen for the ones that my daughter wants or from the shows she may want to watch. I pay particular attention to the way my daughter plays. She loves to have Tea Parties with her Polly Pockets so I know that those are two easy gifts I can get; a new tea party set or a new Polly Pocket.

You don’t have to wait until a holiday to give your child a gift. There are other special occasions that may warrant a gift, like the first (or last) day of school, their first day at a a new job, or maybe just because it’s a Tuesday.

Only you, as their parent, can walk the line between how many gifts are proper and what occasions. We don’t want to spoil our kids or just lavish presents on them instead of our time. But done properly, gift-giving can be another way to show your kids how much you love them.

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She’s only five and even so she’s legally allowed to fly alone, and very responsible-acting for her age, my ex-wife and I don’t think she’s quite ready for that.  To top it off, it has to be a direct flight, which there aren’t between our airports.

So what will be doing?  Oh, I’ve got some Candyland, Old Maid and Chutes and Ladders addictions I’ve been nursing since Christmas Break.  I’m sure she wants to play her Barbie and The Twelve Dancing Princesses game too.   I took most of the ten days off, and I’ll work from home for a couple.

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In my example, my best friend’s wife was friends with my wife. When we divorced they tried to opt out of picking sides. Him and I always had the “bro’s before ho’s” mentality; our friendship overruled everything else.

When my wife and I split, he was stationed in Korea for a year and came home, thankfully, the same time I was moving out. He and his wife helped me move and get setup in my new apartment. It was incredibly generous of both of them.

He and I stayed in touch after he was back in Korea and his wife and my soon-to-be-ex were still friends. Personally, I really didn’t care if his wife and my ex were friends. We’re adults and she didn’t pass judgement on me, or her, as best as I could tell. She treated me with respect and I gave her the same courtesy; it’s good to try to be the bigger person and in this regard we all exceled.

One evening my friend called to tell me everything that he knew was going on with my soon-to-be-ex and all of the nasty details that went along with it. It hurt, I learned a lot of things that at the time I wish I hadn’t but were good to know. His wife also reiterated things that she’d been forced to do out of “friendship” and apologized for everything that had happened. She had kept quiet about a lot of things but felt her moral convictions were driving her to come clean.

In the end I kept my friends. In many divorces this doesn’t work out. I spent zero time trying to save my friends by telling them the horrible stories of my ex, I let that run it’s course. Through her own faults my ex-wife drove a wedge between her and many of her friends. It is a shame to see good friendships go bad.

Friends are an important aspect of life. In many marriages, friends play mediator, spectator, role-model and support for our relationships. Be true to yourself and true to them and they will see you through anything. The cream rises to the top.

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My exwife helped out and got the camera working. We did a trial run with only their camera while I was at work. Skype on my laptop worked great while in the office and it was great to see my daughter for the first time in almost a month.

Emma and I set up our first father-daughter webcam session for 7:00 PM this evening. That way she had plenty of time to eat dinner and have her bath before we chatted and I had time to eat and hit the gym.

How was it?
It was cool. The video quality was good and the audio was excellent. I’m glad that my daughter’s new computer at her moms place could handle it all. I think their wireless was a bit iffy a couple of times but it was heartwarming to see her.

For all of you divorced parents out there who live apart from your child(ren), a webcam seems to be a good investment. Work with your ex-spouse to pay or help pay for one of the cameras. It doesn’t have to be the greatest quality or most expensive. I’m using two Microsoft LifeCams that have a built in microphone to keep the cabling down.

I think we are going to try again tomorrow. Maybe we can make it a recurring appointment for us. Emma is only five but is really handy with her computer here.

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