I’m working on a series of advice posts for divorced fathers. There are so many things that men should do to be fathers and, like any group of guys, we should stick together.  Men are men, not women, and only a man can give another man advice on being a man.

My first piece of advice?  Do something that you love this weekend.  Go out and shoot a round of golf.  Grab your ball and shoot some hoops with your buddies before the ducks head south.  Just do SOMETHING. =)

Until next time…

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My reply was simple, at least to me. But as I said it I realized it was much deeper than the simplicity of the words.

“I didn’t like that part of myself.”

What If You Don’t Like Yourself (or just part)?

When I said that I didn’t like that part of myself, I meant that I didn’t like certain actions, habits, behaviors, or lack thereof. We all have habits that we don’t like I didn’t like a “collection” of certain habits; more than just one. Either they brought me no happiness or they brought pain instead of pleasure.

What I DON’T mean is loathing yourself. That’s not what I’m writing about. Hatred or a feeling of seriously not liking your existance is rooted in some pretty serious issues and if that’s what you are feeling please call a professional. I can’t help you.

Let’s Break It Down

I Don’t

“I don’t” means to me that me, personally, didn’t like these habits. They aren’t something that an external source has pointed out. I, or you, make a cognitive determination of what habits you don’t like about yourself and make an affirmation to yourself about why you want to change them.

This can be a painful step. Why? It makes us search out the deep part of ourselves that we hide from the light of day, the monsters in our closet, the thoughts we don’t share with other people. You don’t have to LIKE the fact you have bad habits, you just have to accept that you are human and that they are yours.

Like

You either like or dislike something. This can be equated to how much pleasure or pain you get out of it. Do you like that you eat like crazy and put on weight or do you NOT like it. Dislike isn’t tangible, but a LACK of LIKE is.

I have a lack of like for procrastination, but I DO procrastinate? Why? Maybe I’m just lazy, maybe a fear of the unknown. I think you get the gist of what I’m saying. You like it, or you don’t. There’s not really a gray area here.

That Part

This is the crux, the crucible upon which you pour your determation, frustration and your fortitude. This is the habit, action or inaction that you want to change.

Let’s go back one second. Normally this habit is an EFFECT of a FEELING. We’re humans, we FEEL, it’s how we wander through life. Think about how you FEEL when you do something and you’ll realize you live through feelings. It’s important during the “I don’t” part to identify the CAUSE of your EFFECT.

Example, your habit is overeating. (This is an easy one so I am going with it.) You eat and eat and you hate that you do it but you can’t stop, can’t put the fork down, toss down another glass of Mt. Dew and dislike the fact that you can’t stop eating.

WHY are you eating so much? Maybe you’re stressed out or depressed. You have to attack the CAUSE to solve the EFFECT.

My allegory is treating the flu. The cough and the sinus congestion are an EFFECT of the flu. You don’t beat the flu without a good immune system and antibiotics.

Flu (Cause), cough (effect), habit (take medicine).

Of Myself

You, your essence, your persona. You don’t like things about YOU, or maybe you want to change a habit to be more like someone you admire. You are changing yourself. The key, to me, of long term change is having a concrete goal that YOU want to attain, not something that is set by other people. Actions and behaviors define you to the world, it is how everyone else see’s you.

By now you’re probably wondering what behaviors I wanted to change, which habits I wanted to break, what thoughts and self-limiting barriers I wanted to overcome.

We’ll save that for another day.

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Here’s a few sites to help you stay motivated, organized, and in-charge of your life.  With the year 2008 right around the corner (gulp!) it’s time to take a look in the mirror and decide what the person you want to be is like.  Set your goals, stay focused, keep on pushing even against obstacles and be who you want to be.

Joe’s Goals – An online goal tracking site.  Very useful to track your winning and losing streaks with your goals
Sufficient Thrust – One of my favorite blogs on  staying motivated with lots of good advice.
RememberTheMilk – A bit more advanced goal tracking, to-do list and reminder system.

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Keep your heads up gentlemen. Life is hard. You HAVE the will inside of you to be who you want to be and get what you want out of your lives.

“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”

Think about the power of that statement. What are you doing now that you don’t like? What behaviors do you have that you can make meaningful change? If you keep doing what you’ve been doing and it hasn’t worked why not change?

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