What do you all have going on for Christmas?  Drop it in the comments!

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Many fathers are kept out of the loop on their kids’ lives.  Some by their own choice  by being uninterested in their kids or being inattentive until their wives begin to exclude them from many of the day-to-day activities that take place in the home.  Separation from your children may not even be your choice, considering the amount of unwed mothers who don’t let their fathers see the children.  This isn’t an easy place to be when you finally notice that you’re not really there for your kids as much as you want to be.

Even worse, what happens when you have a track record of being uninterested in your children and you go through a divorce?  You’re suddenly thrust into a position where you have to be the full-time parent, at least every other weekend, holidays and part of the summer.   The most important job of your life is now in the forefront and you don’t know what to do as a “new” dad.

What sort of things do I recommend for connecting with your children? Here’s a few things that I would do, and do in actuality, when I am with my daughter or when I meet other people’s children.

• Be an active listener - Listen to what is being said about needs, wants, and desires and then respond.   Don’t start talking until you have heard what they have to say.
• Treat every day as an opportunity to grow with them.  Open your mind to enjoying the things your kids do.  Personally I love being able to indulge my inner child by playing with my daughter and her toys.
• Take your kids out to do something that they enjoy.  This could be a simple trip to the mall or store or a day at the zoo.  Doing things that they like to do helps you show them that you’re genuinely interested in what they want.
• Pick up a new movie to watch with them that’s appropriate for their age.  If you’re following the “active listener” rule than you should be able to find something to watch.
• Don’t be afraid to say no.  Children need you to be consistent in your parenting which requires you to say no from time to time.  It may be difficult if you’re new to it, but the worst thing you can do is let your kids walk over you.

It’s daunting to be thrust into fatherhood if you’re unprepared for it.  The only other piece of advice I can offer is to hook up with other dads that you know and admire and learn how they do what they do.  Prepare yourself with the knowledge of others and learn from them, see them in action, and let your kids play with their kids.  It’ll be a great experience for them to interact with other children.

Above all, love your children and make sure they know it.  Be there for them, talk to them, listen to them and love them will all of your heart.  Nothing less will do.

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Child support is based on that assumption, that each parent must contribute to the upbringing of their child.  In almost every case, child support and visitation rights of the non-custodial parent are two separate issues that are determined and ruled by the court system.  As two separate issues they are controlled and monitored individually and a primary custodian may not withhold the child(ren) from the non-custodial parent as a penalty for not staying current on payments.  On the other side of the coin, a non-custodial parent may not even have visitation rights but still be required to pay child support to the custodial parent.

I’ve heard from many people, man or woman, about the ‘unfairness’ of having to pay such-and-such a sum to the custodial parent.  In most of these complaints the non-custodial parent feels that they were wronged by the other parent and that the custodial parent is receiving unfair compensation.

My advice, forget about terms like ‘fair’ and ‘unfair’ when it comes to why you pay child support.  Both parents are responsible to raise their child and provide for their welfare.  I pay a significant sum monthly to my ex-wife and it’s part of what I feel I should do.  Fairness, as adults, is a term we should forget about when it comes to ourselves and focus on what is fair for our children.

If you were still in that relationship, still in that marriage, would you not be paying half of the mortgage, car payment, grocery bill, and utilities?  Sure, you would be, if you were a responsible and contributing member of the household and not a mooch.  Why should that change if those things benefit your child(ren)?  Your child(ren) need a ride to school, a roof over their head, food, and heating don’t they?

One thing I’ve seen a few guys do is work for as little money as possible to ensure they pay very little to their  ex’s.  Pathetic.  Get a job, be a man, buck up and pay for the well-being of your children.  If you make more money you may pay more in support but you also MAKE MORE MONEY so that you can provide for yourself and be a healthy parent for your kids.

In short, be an adult.  Accept that fair and unfair are limiting words and put your children first.  They are the ones who truly benefit from your support payments.

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I’m working on a series of advice posts for divorced fathers. There are so many things that men should do to be fathers and, like any group of guys, we should stick together.  Men are men, not women, and only a man can give another man advice on being a man.

My first piece of advice?  Do something that you love this weekend.  Go out and shoot a round of golf.  Grab your ball and shoot some hoops with your buddies before the ducks head south.  Just do SOMETHING. =)

Until next time…

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• Kids grow up fast
• They do say the darndest things
• Small children speak only truth
• A bad day just needs a smile
• I miss having a baby around
• You really only need five hours of sleep
• Baby wipes can clean up anything
• Diaper rash ointment is great for a chapped nose too
• Laughter is only a smile away

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Kids love gifts. Think back to the time when you were young and how much you enjoyed seeing gifts under the Christmas tree, or piled up on the table for your birthday. Gifts are a wonderful way to show your kids how much you love them and appreciate them.

What is a gift?
Gifts don’t need to be expensive or extravagant. The best gifts come from the heart and are something that you’ve put THOUGHT into for your children. It’s simple, if your little girl loves Barbie get her a Barbie-like item. At a younger age you can get away with an imitation but after they get old enough to read you can’t always fake it. If your little boy likes G.I. Joe, don’t go for the firetruck unless it’s all you can afford. They will love any gift you give them, but the ones that mean the most are the ones that have meaning.

A true gift is something given without expecting anything in return. As a parent your “return” may be the smile and happiness you see on your childs’ face. To me, that’s MY gift from my daughter.

What are some gift ideas?
There are plenty out there. Spend some time on the Disney Channel, Nick Jr or Cartoon Network and you’ll have gift ideas bleeding from your wallet. I listen for the ones that my daughter wants or from the shows she may want to watch. I pay particular attention to the way my daughter plays. She loves to have Tea Parties with her Polly Pockets so I know that those are two easy gifts I can get; a new tea party set or a new Polly Pocket.

You don’t have to wait until a holiday to give your child a gift. There are other special occasions that may warrant a gift, like the first (or last) day of school, their first day at a a new job, or maybe just because it’s a Tuesday.

Only you, as their parent, can walk the line between how many gifts are proper and what occasions. We don’t want to spoil our kids or just lavish presents on them instead of our time. But done properly, gift-giving can be another way to show your kids how much you love them.

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She’s only five and even so she’s legally allowed to fly alone, and very responsible-acting for her age, my ex-wife and I don’t think she’s quite ready for that.  To top it off, it has to be a direct flight, which there aren’t between our airports.

So what will be doing?  Oh, I’ve got some Candyland, Old Maid and Chutes and Ladders addictions I’ve been nursing since Christmas Break.  I’m sure she wants to play her Barbie and The Twelve Dancing Princesses game too.   I took most of the ten days off, and I’ll work from home for a couple.

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My reply was simple, at least to me. But as I said it I realized it was much deeper than the simplicity of the words.

“I didn’t like that part of myself.”

What If You Don’t Like Yourself (or just part)?

When I said that I didn’t like that part of myself, I meant that I didn’t like certain actions, habits, behaviors, or lack thereof. We all have habits that we don’t like I didn’t like a “collection” of certain habits; more than just one. Either they brought me no happiness or they brought pain instead of pleasure.

What I DON’T mean is loathing yourself. That’s not what I’m writing about. Hatred or a feeling of seriously not liking your existance is rooted in some pretty serious issues and if that’s what you are feeling please call a professional. I can’t help you.

Let’s Break It Down

I Don’t

“I don’t” means to me that me, personally, didn’t like these habits. They aren’t something that an external source has pointed out. I, or you, make a cognitive determination of what habits you don’t like about yourself and make an affirmation to yourself about why you want to change them.

This can be a painful step. Why? It makes us search out the deep part of ourselves that we hide from the light of day, the monsters in our closet, the thoughts we don’t share with other people. You don’t have to LIKE the fact you have bad habits, you just have to accept that you are human and that they are yours.

Like

You either like or dislike something. This can be equated to how much pleasure or pain you get out of it. Do you like that you eat like crazy and put on weight or do you NOT like it. Dislike isn’t tangible, but a LACK of LIKE is.

I have a lack of like for procrastination, but I DO procrastinate? Why? Maybe I’m just lazy, maybe a fear of the unknown. I think you get the gist of what I’m saying. You like it, or you don’t. There’s not really a gray area here.

That Part

This is the crux, the crucible upon which you pour your determation, frustration and your fortitude. This is the habit, action or inaction that you want to change.

Let’s go back one second. Normally this habit is an EFFECT of a FEELING. We’re humans, we FEEL, it’s how we wander through life. Think about how you FEEL when you do something and you’ll realize you live through feelings. It’s important during the “I don’t” part to identify the CAUSE of your EFFECT.

Example, your habit is overeating. (This is an easy one so I am going with it.) You eat and eat and you hate that you do it but you can’t stop, can’t put the fork down, toss down another glass of Mt. Dew and dislike the fact that you can’t stop eating.

WHY are you eating so much? Maybe you’re stressed out or depressed. You have to attack the CAUSE to solve the EFFECT.

My allegory is treating the flu. The cough and the sinus congestion are an EFFECT of the flu. You don’t beat the flu without a good immune system and antibiotics.

Flu (Cause), cough (effect), habit (take medicine).

Of Myself

You, your essence, your persona. You don’t like things about YOU, or maybe you want to change a habit to be more like someone you admire. You are changing yourself. The key, to me, of long term change is having a concrete goal that YOU want to attain, not something that is set by other people. Actions and behaviors define you to the world, it is how everyone else see’s you.

By now you’re probably wondering what behaviors I wanted to change, which habits I wanted to break, what thoughts and self-limiting barriers I wanted to overcome.

We’ll save that for another day.

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In my example, my best friend’s wife was friends with my wife. When we divorced they tried to opt out of picking sides. Him and I always had the “bro’s before ho’s” mentality; our friendship overruled everything else.

When my wife and I split, he was stationed in Korea for a year and came home, thankfully, the same time I was moving out. He and his wife helped me move and get setup in my new apartment. It was incredibly generous of both of them.

He and I stayed in touch after he was back in Korea and his wife and my soon-to-be-ex were still friends. Personally, I really didn’t care if his wife and my ex were friends. We’re adults and she didn’t pass judgement on me, or her, as best as I could tell. She treated me with respect and I gave her the same courtesy; it’s good to try to be the bigger person and in this regard we all exceled.

One evening my friend called to tell me everything that he knew was going on with my soon-to-be-ex and all of the nasty details that went along with it. It hurt, I learned a lot of things that at the time I wish I hadn’t but were good to know. His wife also reiterated things that she’d been forced to do out of “friendship” and apologized for everything that had happened. She had kept quiet about a lot of things but felt her moral convictions were driving her to come clean.

In the end I kept my friends. In many divorces this doesn’t work out. I spent zero time trying to save my friends by telling them the horrible stories of my ex, I let that run it’s course. Through her own faults my ex-wife drove a wedge between her and many of her friends. It is a shame to see good friendships go bad.

Friends are an important aspect of life. In many marriages, friends play mediator, spectator, role-model and support for our relationships. Be true to yourself and true to them and they will see you through anything. The cream rises to the top.

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