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Fatherhood and Divorce. How to live your life as a single dad.

Online dating is all the rage.  There doesn’t seem to be a single commercial break that doesn’t have a commercial for Match.com or for eHarmony.com.  It seems that maybe online dating is “the” thing for 2008.

And why not?  It’s not as if we’re in the cloistered 40’s nor are we in the free-lovin’ 60’s and we’re moving out of the Yuppie 80’s.  Technology and all of it’s wonderful advancements has infiltrated every aspect of our lives any why not our love lives as well?

Most of these sites offers the same thing, a “risk-free” environment to browse from a list of eligible men and women.  You can filter through almost every aspect of a person imaginable; hair color, eye color, race, religion, children, height.  The list goes on.

It’s easy to get caught up in the sheer volume of people who are out to meet others on the World Wide Web.  With so many options to choose from it’s easy to see that there are plenty of fish in the sea.  The sky is the limit.

Or is it?

Read through several of the “wants” and “desires” that many women want and you’ll soon understand how limited your options become.  It’s an environment of catch-22’s.  “I want someone who is strong and open emotionally.”  “The perfect guy for me is one who loves to be outdoors but also likes to play video games on the weekend.”  Please, for the love of all that is holy, choose one!

And men can be just as full of paradoxes as women.  We know what we want (hopefully) and have problems articulating it.  In some ways it’s almost worse.

What is a single guy to do?  Try it out.  Take a look around.  Find what you are comfortable with and send that anonymous email to the lady that catches your eye.  Don’t be afraid to be different.  Make yourself standout from the crowd.

Hence I’m not posting anything new for a couple days.

Before I get any emails asking if I miss my daughter the answer is a resounding “yes.” But that’s just how it is.

My plan is to do some writing tomorrow.

I posted this on my other blog so I thought it’d be fun to post here too.

Get your own McLovin ID.

HAH. Love it.

Get your own at the McLovin ID generator.

Motivation tends to be a seasonal thing.  Most of us have spurts of motivational periods and long stretches of lackadaisical existence.

Here’s a few sites to help you stay motivated, organized, and in-charge of your life.  With the year 2008 right around the corner (gulp!) it’s time to take a look in the mirror and decide what the person you want to be is like.  Set your goals, stay focused, keep on pushing even against obstacles and be who you want to be.

Joe’s Goals - An online goal tracking site.  Very useful to track your winning and losing streaks with your goals
Sufficient Thrust - One of my favorite blogs on  staying motivated with lots of good advice.
RememberTheMilk - A bit more advanced goal tracking, to-do list and reminder system.

Self-blame. Blaming oneself for not taking action or not predicting an outcome of failure. We’re all guilty of this from time-to-time. Chronic self-blame can lead into depression and drastically impact your life.

When you have an unresolved issue it’s extremely easy to then look at yourself and pick out your own personal flaws. Instead of focusing on what to do next or how to cope it’s our natural inclination to wonder “why” and determine that our own person is responsible.

The propensity of self-blame comes from the thought that there are things you may have done to affect the outcome. Though this may be true it is also true that hindsight is 20/20. You can get trapped in what I call the “Circle of If.” If I did such-and-such then this… It loops back to another if and then you get stuck trying to figure out what you could have done differently.

Life isn’t full of second chances; they are few and far between. The past is the past and it cannot be reversed. Wondering about “why” is about as useless as a pig with a wristwatch. (I have to give credit to my old General, General Gary North, for this quote.)

When you find that you constantly blame yourself, try to determine why you are blaming yourself. Is it because you honestly think you didn’t do well or is it latent guilt? Is it the result of many past failures? Is it because someone is blaming you? Figuring out why you are blaming yourself is the only “why” you should concern yourself with.

Focus instead on “what.” What can you do to move on? What can you do to feel good about yourself? What can you do to keep touch with friends?

Take action. Don’t blame yourself. The last thing you need is to fall into clinical depression blaming yourself for things that are outside of your control. Your partner, ex, etc has a mind of his or her own. You can’t control that. Focus on you; that is something you CAN control.

T-Day is the day that I get my daughter for visitations.  Tomorrow is my T-Day for Christmas.  One week of pure fun with my kid.  I’m taking vacation all next week so that we can party like rock stars.  Well, maybe not quite THAT but still hoping to have some fun and relaxation.

I’ll try to make some posts during the week.  If anyone wants to post as a guest during the week I’d love to have it!

Keep your heads up gentlemen. Life is hard. You HAVE the will inside of you to be who you want to be and get what you want out of your lives.

“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”

Think about the power of that statement. What are you doing now that you don’t like? What behaviors do you have that you can make meaningful change? If you keep doing what you’ve been doing and it hasn’t worked why not change?

For the first time in 10 years I’m spending Christmas alone. Is this a bad thing? I don’t think so. Since 1998 and on, I was either at a friends place, married, or with the families of people I was dating. This year it’s just different.

The key factor this year is I technically DO have some friends I will be going over to have Christmas dinner with. Driving home is too far and I’ll be there NEXT weekend as it is. Wait, the key factor is really that my daughter won’t be here until next weekend, so her and I are celebrating Christmas then. So in reality, I’m postponing my family-oriented Christmas until then.

So tip back some egg nog, grab some turkey and mashed potatoes and enjoy this time with your family and friends. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Dating and having a child. Or Children.

It isn’t easy. In the old days it was the stigma that single mothers faced alone; men think I have baggage and I’m undesirable. Women, the tide has changed. You’re not alone. The premise is the same. We’re broken toys and no one wants to play with us anymore.

Now, you may think there’s some truth to this. Unfortunately that’s us taking our own stereotypes out on ourselves. These are self-defeating thoughts that are unfounded. Any woman worth your time and effort will accept the fact you have kids. If she doesn’t…well, find one that does. That is an uphill battle that is almost impossible to win.

Men desire respect, women desire love. This is an excellent ideal in the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs. This maxim is the crux of the book. Men desire respect and women desire love. When a man shows love a woman responds with respectful actions. When a woman shows respect to a man he responds with love. When this cycle breaks down therein lies many problems.

How does this apply? A woman who likes you but who doesn’t like your children, or that you have children, is not respecting you. Should you try to show love to someone who doesn’t respect you as a person? You can try to show her love but women are a fickle thing and, like men, stubborn to change their ways. If you feel she respects you and that you have children makes her like you even more the more likely you will respond with love.

I’ve heard my daughter referred to as baggage and luggage. You can guess where those relationships went. Not only is that disrespectful to me, it’s disrespectful to her. Women have ideals about children, when they want them, how many they want. To some, a man with a child really is pre-owned and not worth dating. Get used to it.

How to deal? Don’t let it bother you. There are plenty of women out there who DO like men who have kids. It shows you’re mature (normally), grounded, stable and an able provider. Not only that you hopefully, by now, have a good idea of how to treat women.

Keep your chins up. Sometimes it is rough, but the glory is in the struggle.